little daisy bee.

So, it's 12:24am. I can't sleep, thankyou insomnia. I'm tired. I have no idea why but it's hot & i also have so much on my mind. I don't even know what i want to write. Maybe a hello to my followers first seeing as i haven't updated my blog in like 2 months. So hey guys! :) Hope that you have all been well. I think right now...i feel like ranting. I have no-one to vent to in real life. So i hope it doesn't bother any of you if i let off a little steam, if it does i'm truly sorry and i can guarantee you won't see another one after this. Promise. Let's start off with people in my life. I'm so fed up with a whole load of people. Every single thing they do is just ticking me off. Like a 'Can-i-punch-you-in-the-face sorta ticked off'. I feel so left out in everything lately. The only time people are contacting me is if they need something. I mean, really, is it so hard for someone to ask a girl how she's going? What's going on in her life? Uh. My home life is really tense lately. My mum & i just aren't seeing eye to eye on anything and we're always at each others throats. I don't call my dad often, if ever, simply because his wife aka my stepmum seems to think their 2 daughters are his only daughters. Truly, stepmums are all the same. My depression and anxiety have hit an all time low and i've been cutting lately. It's been helping, i don't know what it is about cutting but it gives me a temporary feeling that everything is okay. I've also been turning to God alot too. Reading the bible everyday. Actually, just last week i sat down and wrote a letter to Him. I didn't know what to say but i feel i got everything i wanted out, just basically telling God to turn my mess i call my life into something good. I want to find something or someone to live for. I'm starting to think maybe i should just do things for myself these days. I don't want to feel that in every aspect of my life i have to impress somebody. I need to work on that. School has become really hard. My doctor thinks that for my mental health i should take some time off from everything ie working, school and focus on getting better. I'm starting to think i should to but i don't know what my parents would think. They seem to have very high expectations of me, i'd love to know why. My little sisters are all shining in every part of their lives and i'm finding that discouraging. Me being the loser big sister who can't do anything without stressing and worrying. My mum wants to kick me out. Which isn't exactly...joyful. Seeing as we have no family close by. I do have my dad's house but my precious stepmother doesn't want me around. My past is taking a toll on me. I've never dealt with the physical abuse i went through for 9 years. I don't even know how to deal with it. Mum's great advice is to 'Get over it'. I must say i love that she cares so much. Not. My dad thinks i should move out too once i 've finished studying but i don't even think i can finish this banking course whatnot with everything going on. I feel so alone. I can't tell anyone. I gotta admit i truly do hate being an adult. I've seen some of the girls that bullied me in high school around lately, they look so happy. They all have their lives together. University, working, in happy relationships. As to why i can't be happy like that makes me want to have a nervous breakdown. I don't think i've wanted anything else in life other than to be happy. That's not asking for too much is it? God, i feel so pathetic. 18 and can't really do anything with her life. I'm so sorry for this rant once again guys but i'll admit i feel a bit better it's off my chest. Stay yourself lovelies.
Love Amanda,
xoxo.